The Axe Falls, and somehow I'm not under it.
Monday, 13 March 2006 09:53![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maugornI don't know if it's just a self-image problem or if I'm perhaps over-feeling something that happens sometimes, but not as often as it feels, but one of my core perceptions is that when it comes to being chosen (as a friend, for a job, for a gig, etc) that for various reasons I'm rarely the "first" choice.
And when it comes to being excluded, fired, let go, forgotten, my perception is that I'm the preferred chaff to be cut.
Alot of the perception probably is me telescoping in on the times when it's happened (or seemed to) and projecting that everywhere.
Point is, when it doesn't, it comes as surprise, even at times when I know it shouldn't.
So on Saturday I found out that Jeremy, the other guitarist in Rhianon (who joined when I did) is out of the band as of after our St Patty's Day gigs.
It's not surprising, and yet to my usual perception it is. On stage, the lad has been argumentative and bossy, even in front of live mics. To me, he's been argumentative and bossy, even during practices. I always tried to look at having a 2nd guitarist as an opportunity to play other instruments and an opportunity also to do some more "interactive" kinds of parts. But from Jeremy I constantly got lectures whenever I didn't precisely match what he was doing or blend the way he thought I should. When strumming chords I play pretty loudly and aggessively sometimes, but my "specialty", my "style" has always been about finding neat places to take the chords with little riffs and modulations. Jeremy (who also is an excellent drummer) is all about interesting strum patterns which he'd play very loudly and aggessively, which I wanted to work with. But he seemed intent to throw them at me as if he were deliberately trying to throw me off. Then he'd complain if I didn't keep up, even if he changed what he was doing week to week.
This, coupled with him being just a smidge ahead of me figuring out some of the wierder stuff that Rene wanted restored from the band's previous incarnation left me feeling a little vulnerable.
I realised quickly that I didn't *need* to feel that way. When it came to figuring out basic chords for a song quickly, I OWNED that game. Rene could play a recording for me a couple of times, and within ten minutes I'd have for her: the key signature, enough knowledge of harmonica to tell Vince what harmonica he'd probably want to use, and a workable draft of the chord progressions that usually only needed 5-10% revision to finalise- plus info on how to capo the guitar to minimal difficulty if the song turned out to be in some HORRIBLE KEY(tm). Jeremy couldn't do that. (at least not that quickly) He did an astonishingly good job finding great rhythmic possibilities within the song, which he then would use as a weapon. He also cashed in on his credentials since he does part time "roadie" type work and wound up with the job of settin up our sound live, which always seemed to have me overly low in the mix. He did a fair job also of making me look real bad when I tried to talk Rene into letting me use my favorite mic. It's a condenser, they're prone to feedback if you're not careful with them, (but the rewards are SPECTACULAR once you learn how to handle them). All Jeremy had to do was an inexpert job of following my advice during soundcheck and voila! my mic became a monster feedback machine, and my 'knowledge' of sound discredited. The first time I heard a problem, I told him (whatI thought was a real good guess) of where to notch the frequency in the EQ, and he just shook his head and declared "You can't possibly just KNOW that by hearing it once here". (Yeah, right. I live with this beast, I know it's habits and I've made friends with it. It's biting you 'cause you're an arrogant kid with no respect.) I didn't say that out loud. I just smiled and nodded and pulled out my Shure SM58- a decent, industry standard mic that NOBODY who knows anything about sound has ANY right to complain about. (I still like my Audio Technica better, tho) But still, with him on the sound I knew I wasn't going to get much of a fair hearing- so I always made sure that the signal from my guitar's preamp was set well below the distortion threshold of the mixer- that way if I got word (usually from Sonya) that my guitar was inaudible, I could slyly raise my own level and not overdrive the board. Sneaky, and very disrepectful to a real soundman, but Jeremy kept blowing his credibility rolls, so I let myself transgress.
(and reminded myself that it wasn't MY band, and that I WAS getting paid as long as my employer was happy)
So I just went along for the ride, and did my best and followed my own advice when it came to Jeremy's inevitable criticism: It's just data. If he said something I found useful I'd use it, and if he said something that was just being snarky I ran it thru a translator that converted it to "blah blah blah".
He's just an annoying co-worker, he's not the boss, and he is NO threat to anything else I have going for me (solo gigs, recording, 3LF, etc).
Jeremy *seemed* to get along with Vince and Rene better, as he instantly became a drinking buddy to them, at practice and at gigs. I was beginning to feel that it was only a matter of time before I was edged out.
So I adopted the stance that this gig was a part-time job, probably temporary, and would give me some income and provide me exposure and contacts while I worked on getting gigs of my own. And that was fine.
Rene always seemed happy with my work, so I didn't feel any big pressure. This would last as long as it lasted, end when it had to, and be a good entry on my Resume' for the future.
And I LIKE THE JOB.
My only annoyance was with Jeremy, and a steady program of tuning him out with occasional ventings seemed to work. Somehow I seemed (possibly for the first time in my life) to be able to check my ego at the door, give Renee what she wanted and not let Jeremy bait me past a laugh and a simple wisecrack back at him when he got snarky.
What I didn't realise was how inexpertly he was playing his game, and how quickly he would slip up in front of Rene and Vince. Whenever I've come up against his type in the past, I ALWAYS wound up on the short end, no matter how well I took the high road or how hard I worked.
But this time it DID work. I showed up for ALL of the practices, even when I had to have Sonya drive me beacuse I was on crutches. I was on time for all of the gigs, even the time when we had an accident that totalled the car on the way. Jeremy missed a few practices (granted being called in to do tech-work for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra seemed like a reasonable excuse.) I made it a point to be available to Rene when she called or emailed and wrote or called her back ASAP. Jeremy made himself difficult to reach.
And then the final straws started to pile up. ANYTHING Rene wanted to play- if I could play it I jumped right on it. (Heck if I could learn to like playing songs by Bread when I used to play with John Barron, this would be easy) It helped that I really like Irish Music. There were songs that Jeremy complained about and then outright refuse to play. A couple of those songs were songs that Rene wanted me to sing, and would need Jeremy to sing on St Patty's day when I couldn't be there. Jeremy didn't seem to want to play them on the guitar (which would have freed me up to play some more banjo parts), and he always seemed to have some problem with formatting no matter what I did when I emailed him lyrics and chords.
So, it came to pass...
Two weeks ago on stage, he refused to play with me on any of the songs I sang (songs he'd need to have up to speed next Friday) leaving me more or less alone, unless Rene was singing harmony or Vince was adding harmonica. Then, when he thought Vince was too loud at one point, he kicked him to get his attention. Not a gentle tap either, but an angry little gradeschool kick. (at least that's Vince's story). And towards the end of the set (a decidedly unfun night as both Rene and I had colds and were not singing on our A game), he just flat out refused to play a song Rene called for, because our set was almost over, and he was tired and would rather play something else. (I for one cannot understand this. As long as I'm *playing*, I feel no tired and no pain. That stuff all comes back once I STOP. So why why why would anyone want to ever stop playing music?)
And so it came to pass that he also criticised Rene for recruiting a co-worker to sing harmony with us.
(again, I don't get it. The sound on all of Rene's own recordings featured two-gal harmony. It's the SOUND that Rene hears in her head when she hears her band- and it's a GOOD!!!!!! Sound)
And so it came to pass that Jeremy, after not returning calls all week last week finally informed Rene that he was sick (cough cough) and couldn't make practice on Saturday.
And so it came to pass that Rene decided that enough was enough. I don't fight with her about song choices ( a BIG issue, and if I hated the songs, why be in THIS BAND?), I show up, I'm reliable (often annoyingly early), I learn fast, I play well, and even tho she and I don't always agree, she appreciates my having a sense of humor about it. She called me mature (and my head almost exploded) So for all of the good reasons for me and all of the bad things with Jeremy (and Rene said that she DID catch the games he was playing with me and didn't like them), that after next week (assuming he shows this week) that I am Rhianon's guitarist and Jeremy is not in the band.
I'm very relieved that this stress will be over. But one thing does piss me off- now that there isn't a 2nd guitar to fill in the space, I'm going to have to give up some of my bouzouki parts that were starting to sound REALLY SWEET, but needed a guitar underpinning. I may be able to retool a couple of them, and thankfully, Rene agrees that some of the songs sound better with bouzouki, so I'm not JUST playing guitar- there will be some variations in the overall sound. OTOH, with the sonic room where I'm not fighting for bandwidth or working around Jeremy's loud, aggessive strumming, there are several songs (most of which Rene wanted us to tone down anyway) where some of the more delicate and subtle things I've always wished I could do will come to the fore.
I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around how this happened tho- usually when someone's out to git me, I'm a pretty easy target. Usually when there's a choice between me and someone more attractive, I'm out. Usually, when it's a choice between me and someone else for job, I'm back on the pavement.
OK, at least that's how it feels in my head, 'cause that's the evidence I seemed to get alot of in the past.
But somehow, the past is not today.
Diligent work and playing nice pays off, and within 50 miles of Washington DC. Who'da thunk it?
Curious....
Post script- just an observation.
Another place that surprises me with their positive perception/reception of me is Spoutwood Farm, which is also very puzzling, but my cognition can blame Faerie Intervention for that.
Which leads to another suspicious sidenote also about this turn of events which bolsters my perciption of a tangible, positive connection with The Fae even tho I seem challenged dealing with mortals. For me, this even was the final straw that cinched for me that I was not liking Jeremy as a person. We were discussing playing at the MD Faerie Fest one night, and I was talking up how fun it was...
when Jeremy piped up "I don't like Faeries. You can't Trust 'em!"
Now I for one DO love the Faeries, and I believe that as they do a lot of mortal misfits, that they like me. I can sometimes sense when they're with me. When Jeremy said that, I could definitely hear a loud collective "..WHAT? Doesn't LIKE US????.....HARRUMPH!" at them being dissed. And this wasn't the laughter I get when I'm joking around with them myself or when I swat at them while being vexed. This was the "...and Tinkerbell started to glow bright red" type of response. Poor Jeremy. I think that right then and there is when he started to get undone like a Faerie Tale Villain. If this turn of events was part Faerie Intervention, I hope that Jeremy being out of the band is enough for that dissing. They did NOT like that.
I'm very very happy that I believe in and in my connection with Faeries. As nasty as some of the turns in my life have been, even of late, it's lately, since I've made it a point to always keep invoking and turning to the Fae to help me, that things have seemed to much more consistently work out anyway, and that even when I seem like I'm falling into another trap, a door seems to be there somewhere if I ask for help finding it.
And speaking of Faeries, we had a VERY successful painting party for MDFF yesterday. A terriffic, but draining workout for my knee as we painted the backs of all of our signage. I wore my Practicallly Permantently Inpenetrable Polyurethane Permeated Painting Pants, and got primer ALL over them.
I was quite a sight when I went to the Conservatory last night to pick up Sonya from the dancing.
I was describing my day to Gina Cooper and was made privy to a A Most Curious Rumor:
That our signage was all borrowed from Spoutwood Farm. Really? All those signs, which I concieved of, kept track of, painted many of myself, and covered with polyurethane and glitter, all of these, we Borrowed from Spoutwood Farm? Wow!
This is an INTERESTING rumor, with some FASCINATING ramifications about the perception of the work we do and the nature of our relationship with Spoutwood Farm. Anyone else hear anything like this?
Do tell!
And when it comes to being excluded, fired, let go, forgotten, my perception is that I'm the preferred chaff to be cut.
Alot of the perception probably is me telescoping in on the times when it's happened (or seemed to) and projecting that everywhere.
Point is, when it doesn't, it comes as surprise, even at times when I know it shouldn't.
So on Saturday I found out that Jeremy, the other guitarist in Rhianon (who joined when I did) is out of the band as of after our St Patty's Day gigs.
It's not surprising, and yet to my usual perception it is. On stage, the lad has been argumentative and bossy, even in front of live mics. To me, he's been argumentative and bossy, even during practices. I always tried to look at having a 2nd guitarist as an opportunity to play other instruments and an opportunity also to do some more "interactive" kinds of parts. But from Jeremy I constantly got lectures whenever I didn't precisely match what he was doing or blend the way he thought I should. When strumming chords I play pretty loudly and aggessively sometimes, but my "specialty", my "style" has always been about finding neat places to take the chords with little riffs and modulations. Jeremy (who also is an excellent drummer) is all about interesting strum patterns which he'd play very loudly and aggessively, which I wanted to work with. But he seemed intent to throw them at me as if he were deliberately trying to throw me off. Then he'd complain if I didn't keep up, even if he changed what he was doing week to week.
This, coupled with him being just a smidge ahead of me figuring out some of the wierder stuff that Rene wanted restored from the band's previous incarnation left me feeling a little vulnerable.
I realised quickly that I didn't *need* to feel that way. When it came to figuring out basic chords for a song quickly, I OWNED that game. Rene could play a recording for me a couple of times, and within ten minutes I'd have for her: the key signature, enough knowledge of harmonica to tell Vince what harmonica he'd probably want to use, and a workable draft of the chord progressions that usually only needed 5-10% revision to finalise- plus info on how to capo the guitar to minimal difficulty if the song turned out to be in some HORRIBLE KEY(tm). Jeremy couldn't do that. (at least not that quickly) He did an astonishingly good job finding great rhythmic possibilities within the song, which he then would use as a weapon. He also cashed in on his credentials since he does part time "roadie" type work and wound up with the job of settin up our sound live, which always seemed to have me overly low in the mix. He did a fair job also of making me look real bad when I tried to talk Rene into letting me use my favorite mic. It's a condenser, they're prone to feedback if you're not careful with them, (but the rewards are SPECTACULAR once you learn how to handle them). All Jeremy had to do was an inexpert job of following my advice during soundcheck and voila! my mic became a monster feedback machine, and my 'knowledge' of sound discredited. The first time I heard a problem, I told him (whatI thought was a real good guess) of where to notch the frequency in the EQ, and he just shook his head and declared "You can't possibly just KNOW that by hearing it once here". (Yeah, right. I live with this beast, I know it's habits and I've made friends with it. It's biting you 'cause you're an arrogant kid with no respect.) I didn't say that out loud. I just smiled and nodded and pulled out my Shure SM58- a decent, industry standard mic that NOBODY who knows anything about sound has ANY right to complain about. (I still like my Audio Technica better, tho) But still, with him on the sound I knew I wasn't going to get much of a fair hearing- so I always made sure that the signal from my guitar's preamp was set well below the distortion threshold of the mixer- that way if I got word (usually from Sonya) that my guitar was inaudible, I could slyly raise my own level and not overdrive the board. Sneaky, and very disrepectful to a real soundman, but Jeremy kept blowing his credibility rolls, so I let myself transgress.
(and reminded myself that it wasn't MY band, and that I WAS getting paid as long as my employer was happy)
So I just went along for the ride, and did my best and followed my own advice when it came to Jeremy's inevitable criticism: It's just data. If he said something I found useful I'd use it, and if he said something that was just being snarky I ran it thru a translator that converted it to "blah blah blah".
He's just an annoying co-worker, he's not the boss, and he is NO threat to anything else I have going for me (solo gigs, recording, 3LF, etc).
Jeremy *seemed* to get along with Vince and Rene better, as he instantly became a drinking buddy to them, at practice and at gigs. I was beginning to feel that it was only a matter of time before I was edged out.
So I adopted the stance that this gig was a part-time job, probably temporary, and would give me some income and provide me exposure and contacts while I worked on getting gigs of my own. And that was fine.
Rene always seemed happy with my work, so I didn't feel any big pressure. This would last as long as it lasted, end when it had to, and be a good entry on my Resume' for the future.
And I LIKE THE JOB.
My only annoyance was with Jeremy, and a steady program of tuning him out with occasional ventings seemed to work. Somehow I seemed (possibly for the first time in my life) to be able to check my ego at the door, give Renee what she wanted and not let Jeremy bait me past a laugh and a simple wisecrack back at him when he got snarky.
What I didn't realise was how inexpertly he was playing his game, and how quickly he would slip up in front of Rene and Vince. Whenever I've come up against his type in the past, I ALWAYS wound up on the short end, no matter how well I took the high road or how hard I worked.
But this time it DID work. I showed up for ALL of the practices, even when I had to have Sonya drive me beacuse I was on crutches. I was on time for all of the gigs, even the time when we had an accident that totalled the car on the way. Jeremy missed a few practices (granted being called in to do tech-work for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra seemed like a reasonable excuse.) I made it a point to be available to Rene when she called or emailed and wrote or called her back ASAP. Jeremy made himself difficult to reach.
And then the final straws started to pile up. ANYTHING Rene wanted to play- if I could play it I jumped right on it. (Heck if I could learn to like playing songs by Bread when I used to play with John Barron, this would be easy) It helped that I really like Irish Music. There were songs that Jeremy complained about and then outright refuse to play. A couple of those songs were songs that Rene wanted me to sing, and would need Jeremy to sing on St Patty's day when I couldn't be there. Jeremy didn't seem to want to play them on the guitar (which would have freed me up to play some more banjo parts), and he always seemed to have some problem with formatting no matter what I did when I emailed him lyrics and chords.
So, it came to pass...
Two weeks ago on stage, he refused to play with me on any of the songs I sang (songs he'd need to have up to speed next Friday) leaving me more or less alone, unless Rene was singing harmony or Vince was adding harmonica. Then, when he thought Vince was too loud at one point, he kicked him to get his attention. Not a gentle tap either, but an angry little gradeschool kick. (at least that's Vince's story). And towards the end of the set (a decidedly unfun night as both Rene and I had colds and were not singing on our A game), he just flat out refused to play a song Rene called for, because our set was almost over, and he was tired and would rather play something else. (I for one cannot understand this. As long as I'm *playing*, I feel no tired and no pain. That stuff all comes back once I STOP. So why why why would anyone want to ever stop playing music?)
And so it came to pass that he also criticised Rene for recruiting a co-worker to sing harmony with us.
(again, I don't get it. The sound on all of Rene's own recordings featured two-gal harmony. It's the SOUND that Rene hears in her head when she hears her band- and it's a GOOD!!!!!! Sound)
And so it came to pass that Jeremy, after not returning calls all week last week finally informed Rene that he was sick (cough cough) and couldn't make practice on Saturday.
And so it came to pass that Rene decided that enough was enough. I don't fight with her about song choices ( a BIG issue, and if I hated the songs, why be in THIS BAND?), I show up, I'm reliable (often annoyingly early), I learn fast, I play well, and even tho she and I don't always agree, she appreciates my having a sense of humor about it. She called me mature (and my head almost exploded) So for all of the good reasons for me and all of the bad things with Jeremy (and Rene said that she DID catch the games he was playing with me and didn't like them), that after next week (assuming he shows this week) that I am Rhianon's guitarist and Jeremy is not in the band.
I'm very relieved that this stress will be over. But one thing does piss me off- now that there isn't a 2nd guitar to fill in the space, I'm going to have to give up some of my bouzouki parts that were starting to sound REALLY SWEET, but needed a guitar underpinning. I may be able to retool a couple of them, and thankfully, Rene agrees that some of the songs sound better with bouzouki, so I'm not JUST playing guitar- there will be some variations in the overall sound. OTOH, with the sonic room where I'm not fighting for bandwidth or working around Jeremy's loud, aggessive strumming, there are several songs (most of which Rene wanted us to tone down anyway) where some of the more delicate and subtle things I've always wished I could do will come to the fore.
I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around how this happened tho- usually when someone's out to git me, I'm a pretty easy target. Usually when there's a choice between me and someone more attractive, I'm out. Usually, when it's a choice between me and someone else for job, I'm back on the pavement.
OK, at least that's how it feels in my head, 'cause that's the evidence I seemed to get alot of in the past.
But somehow, the past is not today.
Diligent work and playing nice pays off, and within 50 miles of Washington DC. Who'da thunk it?
Curious....
Post script- just an observation.
Another place that surprises me with their positive perception/reception of me is Spoutwood Farm, which is also very puzzling, but my cognition can blame Faerie Intervention for that.
Which leads to another suspicious sidenote also about this turn of events which bolsters my perciption of a tangible, positive connection with The Fae even tho I seem challenged dealing with mortals. For me, this even was the final straw that cinched for me that I was not liking Jeremy as a person. We were discussing playing at the MD Faerie Fest one night, and I was talking up how fun it was...
when Jeremy piped up "I don't like Faeries. You can't Trust 'em!"
Now I for one DO love the Faeries, and I believe that as they do a lot of mortal misfits, that they like me. I can sometimes sense when they're with me. When Jeremy said that, I could definitely hear a loud collective "..WHAT? Doesn't LIKE US????.....HARRUMPH!" at them being dissed. And this wasn't the laughter I get when I'm joking around with them myself or when I swat at them while being vexed. This was the "...and Tinkerbell started to glow bright red" type of response. Poor Jeremy. I think that right then and there is when he started to get undone like a Faerie Tale Villain. If this turn of events was part Faerie Intervention, I hope that Jeremy being out of the band is enough for that dissing. They did NOT like that.
I'm very very happy that I believe in and in my connection with Faeries. As nasty as some of the turns in my life have been, even of late, it's lately, since I've made it a point to always keep invoking and turning to the Fae to help me, that things have seemed to much more consistently work out anyway, and that even when I seem like I'm falling into another trap, a door seems to be there somewhere if I ask for help finding it.
And speaking of Faeries, we had a VERY successful painting party for MDFF yesterday. A terriffic, but draining workout for my knee as we painted the backs of all of our signage. I wore my Practicallly Permantently Inpenetrable Polyurethane Permeated Painting Pants, and got primer ALL over them.
I was quite a sight when I went to the Conservatory last night to pick up Sonya from the dancing.
I was describing my day to Gina Cooper and was made privy to a A Most Curious Rumor:
That our signage was all borrowed from Spoutwood Farm. Really? All those signs, which I concieved of, kept track of, painted many of myself, and covered with polyurethane and glitter, all of these, we Borrowed from Spoutwood Farm? Wow!
This is an INTERESTING rumor, with some FASCINATING ramifications about the perception of the work we do and the nature of our relationship with Spoutwood Farm. Anyone else hear anything like this?
Do tell!
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no subject
2006-03-13 16:49 (UTC)I only heard you guys play once and he seemed quite good. I really liked your all version of Johnny Jump Up. I hope it can still be played.
Shame he had other issues. He sounds quite replacable though.
no subject
2006-03-13 19:37 (UTC)Rene was in the market for a guitar player and that is her preference.
Johnny Jump up should remain mostly as it is. I was very happy to add the banjo into the mix, but if I wind up playing this one on the guitar, there's a couple of tricks in this key that will let me fingerpick it very much like the banjo arrangement, so it won't be heartbreaking to change.
And as for "replaceability", unless there's a lot of gigs that have to be turned down from my inability to get to them, it'll probably just be me for awhile. What's a shame is that Jeremy really is very good at what he does and I rather liked it when I wasn't being smacked with it.
no subject
2006-03-13 17:03 (UTC)Sounds like a very oil and water situation. I'm sorry he didn't work out for you guys, but it certainly sounds like it'll be the best option for all concerned, as I'm sure things would've come to a head otherwise. I look forward to catching a show with the new lineup. :)
no subject
2006-03-13 19:41 (UTC)I hope Jeremy finds his niche, because he really is a good player.
I also hope he can find nicer ways of dealing with things/people. I have a feeling that there's alot more to his story, and that's it's always hard to know what to do and often sad to find out.
no subject
2006-03-13 17:31 (UTC)no subject
2006-03-13 19:43 (UTC)Very weird.
We are however profoundly grateful for all of the help and support that you actually do.
I suppose we should be thankful for the help people imagine you give us too, because that just makes you look even better, which is ALWAYS my pleasure to facilitate.
no subject
2006-03-13 18:02 (UTC)no subject
2006-03-13 19:52 (UTC)But, as you have had to have noticed by now, We guitarists do deserve our reputation for having huge egos, and it's always a strange situation when you put two of us together.
So sorry you're missing the shows. But if this fortune keeps holding up, there will be an eventual intersection. Hmmm, I wonder what happens if we ask the Faeries to help in that regard....? (snickers mischievously)