Maugorn

You know that posting where I said "please don't use time machines to come to my party" and where I wrote that I suspected that a temporal anomaly was already responsible for the melding of the zip codes for Cheverly & Hyattsville?

Funny story. It turns out that *I'm* the one who did it by travelling back in time and changing a little bit of world history.
After all the ranting and raving, *I'm* the cause of this thing that seems to mostly bother ME! Oh the irony.
So if you have any funny memories and maybe some other minor effects (and those of you who made it here to the party in it's current timeline might be more vulnerable), yah, it was me.

I blame my wife!

So here's the tale of that alternate timeline.

You may be aware that I'm not universally loved. Some people just don't like me. Some of these disagreements and beefs, we came by pretty honestly, because well, either we believe different things or I just acted like a jerk and pissed them off at some point. It happens.
But somewhere in there I acquired an actual rival- an arch-nemesis who takes delight in foiling my plans, not to save the world or anything noble, but *just* to ruin my good time or to see me upset. I'm not naming names because we have mutual friends and there's that whole upsetting the social order and battling each other thru proxies, and that just never seems to work out right.

Anyway, I learned only about a week ago that this person had actually acquired some weather control technology (or it could have been magic, my sources weren't clear) and was planning on using this to ruin my birthday party. They were mad you see that I'd had such a happy (actual) birth- day, and well... you get the idea. So this time of year, that means snowstorm.
I saw the weather reports hinting that there MIGHT be snow, and the track and circumstances suggested that it could turn out to be enough to cause serious disruption of plans.

I couldn't STOP this plan (as it had already been executed and now it was just gonna have to happen), but I COULD profit from it if I played my cards right.

With a little bit of help, I hacked the weather service and with a little bit of luck I was able to control the news (and OMG, Controlling the NewsMedia is not NEARLY as hard as I thought it would be!) to make SURE that the weather forecasts were consistently wrong and that NOBODY would believe that it was really going to snow.
Then I tweaked my party guest list and provided themes and enticements that were GUARANTEED to get key people on the roads at just the right time. Imagine my delight as I learned that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I INVITED was on their way to come on Saturday.
The phone was ringing off the hook all day long and my inbox was overflowing with RSVPS of YES!
And then the storm hit, and I'm really sorry that some of you reading this actually died in that alternate timeline.
It was regrettable, but necessary.
But my plan totally worked! Each and every party guest driving at that moment from key points in the Mid-Atlantic assured that when the snowstorm HIT, that the ENTIRE region was brought to a standstill, even the airports and railroads.
It was the most brilliant bit of choreography you've ever seen. The little display of traffic jams just blossomed. It was a beautiful flower that ate the whole TV screen like kudzu on a South Carolina oak tree.

This allowed me and my robots to seize control over the entire Eastern Seaboard's stockpiles of:
-bread
-milk
-eggs
and of course
-toilet paper

Bwahahahaahahaaaaa!

And while we were at it, we cornered the market on snow shovels and ice melt too. That proved to be the crowning touch.
And it was suggested by my wife. Brilliant! That's why I love her.

The result was that thru the disruption, plus some black market manipulation, and some shrewd conventional investments, that by April 1st 2010, I was crowned SUPREME EMPEROR OF THE WORLD, with the ceremony being officiated (as per my wishes) by Robert Anton Wilson himself. I know he's dead in this version of Now. It's another unfortunate side effect of the alternate reality.
Fairport Convention, Yes, and the Decemberists all played at my investiture ball. We were even able to get my Mom there. She was so proud! She got to waltz with Tom Jones. It was AWESOME!

It was SO COOL ruling the World.
I'd done it! I'd really done it!
And the best part of it was informing my rival that it was HIS attempt to ruin MY GOOD TIME that had brought it on, as his body was being torn apart by my brand new crocodiles.
And just as I was finalising up sketches for the new Supreme Imperial Palace to hand off to the Imperial Architect and putting the finishing touches to my the list of: "Everyone who'd ever wronged me"
my wife came in to the office and asked:

"So, Mr Supreme Emperor, has it been fun?" (side note: somehow, every time SHE called me that, it always sounded as if she were making fun of me)
"Oh, YES!"
"Best birthday party ever?"
"Oh, HELL YEAH!"
"Good. 'Cause now it's time to put everything back to normal?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that you're going to go back in time and fix this so that the world is back the way it was."
"NO Frickin' WAY! I'm Supreme Emperor! My plans and MY schemes all finally pay off and you want me to go and UNDO them? Are you Crazy? You're Supreme Empress, you know."
"And I appreciate that. But Actually, your success was *my* birthday present to *you*. Who found out about ####'s scheme to ruin your party?"
"You did"
"Who cleaned up the house while YOU took over Television and worked on your silly robots?"
"You"
"And Who advised you to also grab the stockpiles of snow shovels and found the locations of all the Ice Melt Storage facilities for you because YOU still don't know how to use Google Maps without crashing your browser?"
"You"
"That's right. You wouldn't have succeeded in your Evil plan if not for me. So I LET you win, because I thought it would be fun. And it was. But now you're going back in time and you're UN-Murdering your friends who were just trying to give you a happy birthday and we're going to just have whatever party we can in the storm and have fun with whomever shows up."
"Aw, come ON. Now that I'm Supreme Emperor I have a whole bloody WORLD of people who wanna be my friends."
"Look at me and tell me to my face that losing $$$$$$$ was worth it."
Ooooh. She totally got me with that one. Honestly, I had to fight back a tear. I REALLY did miss them. All of them. But still- I was Supreme Emperor dammit, and I said:
"I'm not doing it."
"You *are* doing it!"
"I don't have a time machine"
"I borrowed one for you"
And then she gave me that look. Not the look that melts my heart and makes me give in because I love her, oh no. THIS was the look that makes me do what she says out of naked FEAR! But somewhere I mastered that fear. I found the strength to rear myself up and say:
"NO! I'm not doin' it. I WON! I control the World. I'm not giving it up. I'm not going back and you can't make me-"
And that's when she started doing the ear-pinching thing. Somehow, no matter how I squirm away, no matter which way I turn, no matter how many times I wrest her hands from me, no matter HOW I grasp her wrists, she always, ALWAYS seems to find another avenue to reach in and pinch my ear between the nails of her thumb and middle finger. Its SO ANNOYING The assault was relentless. Imagine being being continuously nipped by a flock of angry baby ducks.

Eventually I gave in. I had to. Don't look at me like that. YOU would too!

So yes, I went back in time and I didn't take over TV, and I didn't build any robots. And in this version of the timeline I cooked and I helped clean the house, and, well, you can read all about our party in that other post. Somehow, tho, the NORMAL party was alot more fun than I expected, and nobody had to die after all. Live and learn, eh?

So if anyone suffers any weird memories or experiences any strange anomalies in their reality or lifestyle, well, I would be a hypocrite if I didn't apologise, but you know what? For a few brief shining moments I ruled the Frickin' World and I got to finally show them all. How cool is that? Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

And while it's sad not be Supreme Emperor anymore, I've got the best friends in the world to make up for it, and I still get to revel in bittersweet memories every time I write or type:
20785

Best birthday present EVER. Love you honey!