Maugorn

Okay, first some background.

I have this super-awesome Mom, and I try not to ask too much of her, as she just up and gives even if it destroys her. I certainly can't pull off that level of unselfishness and certainly don't have it to spare.
(and I'm sure she kinda doesn't either) So rather than push her generosity, I try to stay within my budgets and focus on what I need and always tell her that patches023 and I are doing just fine, which is really >90% true most of the time.

But sometimes she's just unstoppable. She helped my sister recently with a refinancing and then felt guilty that she hadn't done anything so grand for me or my brother. So out of nowhere, I find a letter from her with this check in it. On my birthday or for Xmas or other occasions, I don't fight her about sending me gifts, and splurging just a little. The fact is that in my business, there's always some thingy I could use to make my life better or to be better in work. There's usually something practical I can do, even if it's buying records, which I listen to and be entertained but also I can't help but hear and learn more music from them anyway.
This was different. This was an amount of money I've rarely (ever?) seen with my name attached to. I was stunned. Silent. I may have sat down right there and then and cried, but, quite frankly, I was just at a loss for any kind of words or feelings.
I think it was like an hour before I could call patches023 to tell her.

I know better than to argue with my Mom about such things, and quite frankly, there was an Evil Plan(tm) that I had in my mind and on the to-do list for "someday" that, if it would work, this would make it happen.
Once I was able to think again, I decided, that well, maybe my idea's time had come.

I had this mad idea of transplanting a newer engine into Mama Tiger (my van) and maybe getting better than 10mpg on my work trips (which are getting more frequent, longer and more distant) So yesterday, after a few calls I found someone who not only seemed competent, but a good judge of whether it would work and how well. Turns out, that for what I had in mind, it would actually cost several times what my mom sent, and I'd wind up shaving a few margins and maybe getting 4-5 extra mpg at best.

Looks like I'm just gonna keep the van, try to up my earnings, and drive it until it's ready to go on it's own.

After thinking it over, I'm taking the mechanic's advice and punting on Evil Plan A which meant it was time start pondering some Plan Bs.

Part of the Evil Plans all along was upgrading our camping setup for Pennsic. We did that tonight.

And so, what to do now?

Well....There's always upgrading my gear. I will be doing that, of course.
My gear is always a work in progress and a little boost will go a long way.
But then I remembered.

I'm going to stay just a little bit mum about this, until I actually see it in my hands in my house.
And I really hope I don't go thru what I did to get my Martin this spring.

But early this year, there was something I found myself just wanting. Not because I needed it, but because well...
I wanted it. Until this week, I had been content to just dream and sigh. But I kept that catalog (even tho I usually throw them out when the new one arrives) and made more than one wish and thought "wouldn't it be nice". But it was beyond my reach and I'm sure it should have been gone by now. But here I had the means to get it, and by some stroke of fortune, it was still available. I succumbed.

Here's my thinking:
Yes, I don't *need* this.
Yes, it's expensive and more than a little frivolous.
But it's a wish come true, what I'd thought was a pretty impossible dream and an opportunity that I'd thought would be long past by the time I could afford it.

I guess what has me so torn is that this is very not my usual pragmatic, practical way of going about things where first I try an instrument out with a *starter* and then progress to something more "professional" (costly) when I can both justify the expense with my skill and with the financial growth it might bring.
I have a long way to go before I could either afford this outlay on my own or justify it professionally.
Heck, I'm still playing my $20 thrift store banjo.
My joke about the "impossible dream" *was* that this gal was *way* out of my league.

But you know what? SCREW that attitude! Here I have an opportunity to "go for it" and the means to do so.
I've seen other friends and colleagues benefit from generosity and sponsorship and any number of "breaks" that I don't got, and here I am actually getting one of these breaks and I'm trying not to feel guilty- *guilty* about using that break for something that would just make me happy? Even if I don't play at this "level" now, I could someday. Besides that, so what? I know *plenty* of people who can afford stuff I can't even touch, and who don't play at my level. Who's to say that I don't deserve to have something *I* need to grow into?

This is me getting that break that I always wished *I* could have. I'm taking it.

I don't have to justify every good thing I do for myself by tallying up how many pints of blood or quarts of sweat I have in the bank of "The Dues". I earn the things I get, and I usually pick very carefully to attempt to maximise the return and look for gear that is an investment and not just "shiny". But I didn't do that this time. I picked this because I *wanted* it, and that's what my Mom wanted me to do. I'm practical and pragmatic every damn day as I make my way and scrape out what amounts to my living (which ain't much). I'm not gonna feel guilty taking one shining moment off from that.

I've had a lot of suckage in my life, and I know I still have internal scars from that- and alot of guilt about the collateral damage of me just not being functional or functioning. But my life isn't there anymore.
Yes, I still have things that bug the hell out of me and a LONG list of things I want to fix and improve.
It's one thing to soldier on thru bad times, but another thing altogether to take a little piss out of the voice in my head that still tries to get me to give up and still shows me all those little and big things that I have screwed up and all those enemies I've not made amends with(some of whom may even have a right to be angry) and all that damage that is still left to fix as evidence that my best effort will never be enough.

But now, with this tangible reminder, there will be (for me at least) a little more heft in my emotional armour. For possibly the rest of my life now, I'll see this thing and know that for once and for all, that my life absolutely, positively, does not suck. Yes I am alive and well, not only in secure knowledge that I'm getting the dues of my hard work, but that I am also cradled in love and generosity and beauty that such a gift could bring. I can't possibly pull this level of giving off myself, but I have a shining example and a bar to reach for that I certainly can and will. And time to reach that bar someday.

And also, this will be a gauntlet for my ambition. I WANT to be able to play this thing (yes, if you haven't figured it out, it's an instrument), the way it's supposed to be played, and so I have a whole new thing to work towards, and the most powerful incentive ever (proving that I am worthy of it, and don't just have a frivolous toy that I'll never use). My feelings of inadequacy now can be channeled directly into my drive for self improvement rather than just another excuse to procrastinate.

But you know what tho? I could just keep it, and let it appreciate too. It's that kind of investment instrument. But we all know I'm not gonna do that. I may treat it with more care than usual (I hope I do), but I'm gonna play it, and learn how to play it well.
I WANT to grow into playing this thing at a higher potential than I am now.

No matter what, tho- I went and did it. And I'm gonna be glad about it and not feel guilty.

And if by some measure, I'm not "worthy" of this now, well, as far as I'm concerned, it's only a matter of time until I am. Maybe I'm lucky just this once, but that's okay- I'm going to really enjoy getting the reward before all the blood and sweat and backbreaking work. I'm very sure that this break is not gonna be the new status quo, which will make it all the sweeter.

Today, I win. And it's a big enough win that I consider it game changing.
And it's all thanks to my Mom. I didn't ask for this. My Mom is already incredible without such outlays. I hope she knows that. But this is definitely gonna get her some bonus points when it comes to Karma.
AND
She didn't just do this for me, but for my siblings as well.

Of course, now I'm all compelled to want to be worthy of this, not just musically, but as a person.
I could be scared, 'cause I know what I schmuck I can be. OTOH, there are far worse things to aspire to than being like my Mom. If this makes me want to be even a little better; a little more like her, it's still a win for the good guys- who by the way, can't lose if my Mom is on the team.