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Sunday, 1 April 2012 13:25![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maugornYes, I know I've been quiet here of late.
One of the many reasons and excuses is that I've been very busy exercising.
But alas the results have been discouraging. It would seem that I need to seriously alter my diet. So, since cutting down and moderation hasn't been working, I'm going to just go and give up sweets and caffeine altogether.
In other new, I have written a new story, knitted together through a patchwork quilt including scraps and pieces of old stories you may have heard me tell before. It's:
A New Shaggy Dog Story
(Steve Haug, 4/1/12)
Once upon a time there lived a man named Leroy. Leroy, it seemed,
knew everybody, including the Pope Himself.
But that is another story.
Our story today, concerns Leroy's neighbour. Leroy's neighbour had
his very own claim to fame: a very shaggy dog. This dog was so shaggy
that stories had sprung up worldwide about it, and these stories
inspired stories of their own and so on, until a whole style of
storytelling arose that were, in fact, called "Shaggy Dog Stories".
Leroy's neighbour owned the original "Shaggy Dog", which brought
many tourists from throughout the world to the small country in
which they lived. This small country had another claim to fame in
that it had once caused quite a stir by basically blackmailing the
entire world with a bomb that some of it's scientists had invented.
But that is another story.
Our story begins with Leroy, who, having visited his neighbour's
humble cottage (Which once was damaged in an unfortunate accident: a
fellow fell out of the sky and through the cottage's roof. But that
is another story) and receiving a certain bit of news, found himself
in need to run to the Emperor's Palace, to deliver it. Leroy raced
through the streets of the city to the Palace to deliver this news.
He passed by a zoo, where lived some lions purchased from a preserve
in California. These lions were once involved in a very strange and
complicated scandal in Hollywood involving porpoises and seagulls.
But that is another story.
Also in the zoo were elephants. These particular elephants were not
only venerable, but they posessed an even keener memory than most.
These elephants were also great connoisseurs of jokes, especially
elephant jokes. They'd heard them all, you see, from the visitors to
the zoo, who, as you might recall, came from all over the world to see
the Shaggy Dog. But once folks have seen a shaggy dog, no matter how
shaggy it is, they still could crave other amusements to fill out the
rest of their day. And so many went to the zoo. They saw the elephants
and told elephant jokes, and the elephants heard them and remembered
them all. But nobody really knew that, for the elephants had no way
to let anybody know, at least not any humans. These elephants could
not speak English. Some would say that these joke-loving elephants
were the best kept secret in the Realm, but they don't. That's
because those very people who would say that don't even know
themselves, which ironically enough, does make the joke-loving
elephants the best-kept secret in the Realm, which it wouldn't be
if people went around all the time saying such things. Which turned
out to be for the best.
But that is another story.
Completely oblivious to the humourous tastes of elephants, Leroy
raced past a bar. Some would call it a tavern, but every story Leroy
knew about the place started with "A man walked into a bar...".
There were also stories of other people, animals, even pieces of
string. All of those stories also referred to the place as a bar,
and so that is how Leroy thought of it. Leroy found that referring to
something in the local vernacular was one of the things that helped him
make so many friends.
But that is another story.
Yes, somehow, some strange twist of Fate (plus the tourist trade)
made this particular bar, famous in it's own right, due to it being
the site of so many strange incidents. Some regulars liked to joke
that _their_ watering hole "raised the bar" for the standards of
strange occurences. Leroy couldn't remember every strange thing that
occured in this bar, (he wasn't an elephant, after all) but he did
remember one time when a man brought in what he said was a talking dog.
But that is another story.
Leroy ran up the hill to the palace where he was stopped by the
guard at the gate.
"Good morning, Leroy" said the guard. "What brings you here today?"
Naturally, Leroy knew the guard in question. They had served in the
war together and spent alot of time in trenches where they told each
other stories. A curious thing happened one night in one of those
trenches during the heat of battle.
But that is another story.
"I have important news for the Emperor!" cried Leroy. "The Shaggy
Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh, my!" said the guard, who ran immediately to find the Captain.
"Captain!" said the guard "Leroy is at the gates and he has
important news for the Emperor. The Shaggy Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh my!" said the Captain. The Captain of the guard was an old and
wizened veteran. He was not a native to this country, having
emigrated from Poland after the war. During the war, he had found
himself in the desert where he met and rescued a Djinni. The Djinni
granted the Captain three wishes, the results of which wound up
causing quite a stir in Russia.
But that is another story.
The Captain immediately summoned the Head Maid and told her to
inform the Emperor's Secretary that Leroy had told the Guard who had
told him that the Shaggy Dog had just gotten a haircut.
"Oh my!" cried the Head Maid who ran to give the Emperor's
Secretary the news. This distracted the Head Maid from her memories
of so many times, back when she worked at a hotel in the Capitol, and
had walked in on a guest doing something strange. She'd often shared
these incidents with others who would laugh outrageously. She never
found these antics funny in the least. She never found _anything_
funny at all, in fact. Her lack of any sense of humour had begun
after a strange event she'd witnessed when she was just a girl of six.
It had involved a giraffe.
But that is another story.
"Oh my!" said the Emperor's Secretary, upon hearing the news that
was brought to him by the Head Maid, who'd heard it from the Captain,
who'd heard it from the guard, who'd heard it from Leroy. The
Emperor's Secretary was a stodgy, boring grey-faced man, who had been
the Emperor's Secretary since he was eighteen and fresh from a convent
school. Many strange things had happened to the nuns there, but none
of them had ever happened to or involved him. In fact, the Secretary
would often find himself in situations where suddenly, nothing would
happen. So unsurprisingly, this news was very different in that it was
utterly suprising, which shocked the Emperor's Secretary. It should
not have. Many surprising things happened in the Realm, but just not
to the Emperor's Secretary. This was one of them.
Which is not another story at all, but part of this very story.
The Secretary ran to the Emperor's throne room, passing the young
bodyguard, whose claim to fame was that she had single-handedly
captured a red dragon.
But that is another story.
"Your Highness!" cried the Emperor's Secretary. "Leroy has just
informed the guard who informed the Captain, who told the Head Maid,
who told me to tell You that the Shaggy Dog has just had a haircut!"
"Oh My!" said the Emperor soberly. The Emperor was always sober
now, but he didn't used to be. Back in his drinking days, a young,
puckish tailor had hoodwinked him into parading through the streets
of his own Capitol in the nude.
But that is another story.
"Bring Leroy to me." said the Emperor. So the Secretary informed
the Captain who informed the Head Maid (even though he didn't need to,
but he liked to tell her things that didn't make her laugh, as he was,
unsurprisingly, sweet on her), and the Guard to bring Leroy to him.
Leroy was brought to the throne room where he delivered his news
personally to the Emperor.
"Yes, it's true, your Highness. The Shaggy Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh My!" said the Emperor again, still soberly.
"Fetch me the Shaggy Dog!", said the Emperor.
The Emperor waited impatiently on his throne, making small talk with
Leroy. If the dog was no longer shaggy enough, it would be doom for
the tourism trade. He wondered how anyone could have been so foolish
as to not think of this. Who would do even such a thing? Surely not
a barber in this Realm. Had the Emperor still been drinking, he would
not have recalled his own first visit to a barber back when he was a
lad. The barber had told him a joke.
But that is another story.
In short order, Leroy's neighbour entered the throne room with the
Shaggy Dog. The dog looked as shaggy as ever. The Emperor glanced
at his pocket watch, which though broken, managed to still be correct
twice a day. The Emperor had acquired the watch through a most unusual
wager, which some say he lost.
But that is another story.
Realising that he didn't need the pocket watch, he asked the
Secretary to fetch a calendar, which he glanced at briefly, and
nodded.
"So," The Emperor began, addressing Leroy's neighbour.
He could never remember the fellow's name, only that he was Leroy's
neighbour. But he pressed on nonetheless.
"Leroy tells me that your Shaggy Dog has had a haircut?"
"Yes, your Highness." stammered Leroy's neighbour.
The Emperor, having realised that the date was April 1st, then
asked:
"So, pray tell me. Which one?"
One of the many reasons and excuses is that I've been very busy exercising.
But alas the results have been discouraging. It would seem that I need to seriously alter my diet. So, since cutting down and moderation hasn't been working, I'm going to just go and give up sweets and caffeine altogether.
In other new, I have written a new story, knitted together through a patchwork quilt including scraps and pieces of old stories you may have heard me tell before. It's:
A New Shaggy Dog Story
(Steve Haug, 4/1/12)
Once upon a time there lived a man named Leroy. Leroy, it seemed,
knew everybody, including the Pope Himself.
But that is another story.
Our story today, concerns Leroy's neighbour. Leroy's neighbour had
his very own claim to fame: a very shaggy dog. This dog was so shaggy
that stories had sprung up worldwide about it, and these stories
inspired stories of their own and so on, until a whole style of
storytelling arose that were, in fact, called "Shaggy Dog Stories".
Leroy's neighbour owned the original "Shaggy Dog", which brought
many tourists from throughout the world to the small country in
which they lived. This small country had another claim to fame in
that it had once caused quite a stir by basically blackmailing the
entire world with a bomb that some of it's scientists had invented.
But that is another story.
Our story begins with Leroy, who, having visited his neighbour's
humble cottage (Which once was damaged in an unfortunate accident: a
fellow fell out of the sky and through the cottage's roof. But that
is another story) and receiving a certain bit of news, found himself
in need to run to the Emperor's Palace, to deliver it. Leroy raced
through the streets of the city to the Palace to deliver this news.
He passed by a zoo, where lived some lions purchased from a preserve
in California. These lions were once involved in a very strange and
complicated scandal in Hollywood involving porpoises and seagulls.
But that is another story.
Also in the zoo were elephants. These particular elephants were not
only venerable, but they posessed an even keener memory than most.
These elephants were also great connoisseurs of jokes, especially
elephant jokes. They'd heard them all, you see, from the visitors to
the zoo, who, as you might recall, came from all over the world to see
the Shaggy Dog. But once folks have seen a shaggy dog, no matter how
shaggy it is, they still could crave other amusements to fill out the
rest of their day. And so many went to the zoo. They saw the elephants
and told elephant jokes, and the elephants heard them and remembered
them all. But nobody really knew that, for the elephants had no way
to let anybody know, at least not any humans. These elephants could
not speak English. Some would say that these joke-loving elephants
were the best kept secret in the Realm, but they don't. That's
because those very people who would say that don't even know
themselves, which ironically enough, does make the joke-loving
elephants the best-kept secret in the Realm, which it wouldn't be
if people went around all the time saying such things. Which turned
out to be for the best.
But that is another story.
Completely oblivious to the humourous tastes of elephants, Leroy
raced past a bar. Some would call it a tavern, but every story Leroy
knew about the place started with "A man walked into a bar...".
There were also stories of other people, animals, even pieces of
string. All of those stories also referred to the place as a bar,
and so that is how Leroy thought of it. Leroy found that referring to
something in the local vernacular was one of the things that helped him
make so many friends.
But that is another story.
Yes, somehow, some strange twist of Fate (plus the tourist trade)
made this particular bar, famous in it's own right, due to it being
the site of so many strange incidents. Some regulars liked to joke
that _their_ watering hole "raised the bar" for the standards of
strange occurences. Leroy couldn't remember every strange thing that
occured in this bar, (he wasn't an elephant, after all) but he did
remember one time when a man brought in what he said was a talking dog.
But that is another story.
Leroy ran up the hill to the palace where he was stopped by the
guard at the gate.
"Good morning, Leroy" said the guard. "What brings you here today?"
Naturally, Leroy knew the guard in question. They had served in the
war together and spent alot of time in trenches where they told each
other stories. A curious thing happened one night in one of those
trenches during the heat of battle.
But that is another story.
"I have important news for the Emperor!" cried Leroy. "The Shaggy
Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh, my!" said the guard, who ran immediately to find the Captain.
"Captain!" said the guard "Leroy is at the gates and he has
important news for the Emperor. The Shaggy Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh my!" said the Captain. The Captain of the guard was an old and
wizened veteran. He was not a native to this country, having
emigrated from Poland after the war. During the war, he had found
himself in the desert where he met and rescued a Djinni. The Djinni
granted the Captain three wishes, the results of which wound up
causing quite a stir in Russia.
But that is another story.
The Captain immediately summoned the Head Maid and told her to
inform the Emperor's Secretary that Leroy had told the Guard who had
told him that the Shaggy Dog had just gotten a haircut.
"Oh my!" cried the Head Maid who ran to give the Emperor's
Secretary the news. This distracted the Head Maid from her memories
of so many times, back when she worked at a hotel in the Capitol, and
had walked in on a guest doing something strange. She'd often shared
these incidents with others who would laugh outrageously. She never
found these antics funny in the least. She never found _anything_
funny at all, in fact. Her lack of any sense of humour had begun
after a strange event she'd witnessed when she was just a girl of six.
It had involved a giraffe.
But that is another story.
"Oh my!" said the Emperor's Secretary, upon hearing the news that
was brought to him by the Head Maid, who'd heard it from the Captain,
who'd heard it from the guard, who'd heard it from Leroy. The
Emperor's Secretary was a stodgy, boring grey-faced man, who had been
the Emperor's Secretary since he was eighteen and fresh from a convent
school. Many strange things had happened to the nuns there, but none
of them had ever happened to or involved him. In fact, the Secretary
would often find himself in situations where suddenly, nothing would
happen. So unsurprisingly, this news was very different in that it was
utterly suprising, which shocked the Emperor's Secretary. It should
not have. Many surprising things happened in the Realm, but just not
to the Emperor's Secretary. This was one of them.
Which is not another story at all, but part of this very story.
The Secretary ran to the Emperor's throne room, passing the young
bodyguard, whose claim to fame was that she had single-handedly
captured a red dragon.
But that is another story.
"Your Highness!" cried the Emperor's Secretary. "Leroy has just
informed the guard who informed the Captain, who told the Head Maid,
who told me to tell You that the Shaggy Dog has just had a haircut!"
"Oh My!" said the Emperor soberly. The Emperor was always sober
now, but he didn't used to be. Back in his drinking days, a young,
puckish tailor had hoodwinked him into parading through the streets
of his own Capitol in the nude.
But that is another story.
"Bring Leroy to me." said the Emperor. So the Secretary informed
the Captain who informed the Head Maid (even though he didn't need to,
but he liked to tell her things that didn't make her laugh, as he was,
unsurprisingly, sweet on her), and the Guard to bring Leroy to him.
Leroy was brought to the throne room where he delivered his news
personally to the Emperor.
"Yes, it's true, your Highness. The Shaggy Dog has had a haircut!"
"Oh My!" said the Emperor again, still soberly.
"Fetch me the Shaggy Dog!", said the Emperor.
The Emperor waited impatiently on his throne, making small talk with
Leroy. If the dog was no longer shaggy enough, it would be doom for
the tourism trade. He wondered how anyone could have been so foolish
as to not think of this. Who would do even such a thing? Surely not
a barber in this Realm. Had the Emperor still been drinking, he would
not have recalled his own first visit to a barber back when he was a
lad. The barber had told him a joke.
But that is another story.
In short order, Leroy's neighbour entered the throne room with the
Shaggy Dog. The dog looked as shaggy as ever. The Emperor glanced
at his pocket watch, which though broken, managed to still be correct
twice a day. The Emperor had acquired the watch through a most unusual
wager, which some say he lost.
But that is another story.
Realising that he didn't need the pocket watch, he asked the
Secretary to fetch a calendar, which he glanced at briefly, and
nodded.
"So," The Emperor began, addressing Leroy's neighbour.
He could never remember the fellow's name, only that he was Leroy's
neighbour. But he pressed on nonetheless.
"Leroy tells me that your Shaggy Dog has had a haircut?"
"Yes, your Highness." stammered Leroy's neighbour.
The Emperor, having realised that the date was April 1st, then
asked:
"So, pray tell me. Which one?"
